Teenagers should be having the time of their lives as they begin another long, hot summer with their friends. For parents though, it can be a challenging time
AT the end of the summer holiday do your kids think they live in a complimentary hotel with slack staff who they feel at liberty to treat like a combination of unpaid taxi driver and unlimited cashpoint?
If the answer is yes, then this may be for you. Parents of teenagers describe the teen years as a time of change, frustration, fear, rebellion, moodiness and disrespect. A once beguiling child suddenly turns into someone you don’t even know. However, it can also be a time of growth, learning, understanding, adventure and sharing.
Research shows that one of the best things you can do for your teens is to be there for them. A tree farmer does not raise saplings, just as we do not strive to raise children. A tree farmer raises trees, and as parents we raise adults. We are bringing up men and women and preparing them for a life of their own.
If we make all their decisions for them and take away all their responsibilities we disable them. Many families lead fairly scheduled lives during term-time, especially in single parent homes or when both parents are working. Routines and regular activities serve as important tools to keep teens engaged and protect them from undesirable situations.
The summer holidays spell seven or eight weeks of perceived freedom and choice. They are buzzing with it – and so they should be, but without a conscious effort by parents and other important people in their lives this freedom can quickly lead to a summer packed with television, video games and endless bowls of cereal. Without some thought or plans the holiday bliss wears off after a week or two and gives way to tedium, mischief and the ‘I’m bored’ war cry.
Any frazzled parent would give their eye teeth for even a chance at such boredom. It is often said that youth is wasted on the young, but how would they know?
It is often useful at this point to reflect on exactly what age you wanted to drive, kiss the opposite sex, try a beer or smoke a fag. A perfect antidote to perceived boredom is to get up to something you probably shouldn’t, just for the excitement value or to annoy others by being particularly slobby à la Kevin and Perry.
In the event that you can’t send them to Brat Camp in the Montana wilderness for eight weeks, you may have booked them into an unrelenting series of activity programmes in which they have limited personal investment. While the brochures rave about the benefits your teenagers will enjoy, remember they were written by adults for adults – and teens know it. You can’t fool them.
In defence of parents, taking such an approach is completely understandable. In theory, these activities and camps are fun and keep them out of trouble while you work. In reality what they get out of these activities is directly related to what they put in to them.
If what you have cooked up is out of sync with what they want then you might be better off agreeing to spend the time and money on something that will work out.
Teens can feel stifled by a packed schedule in which they have limited interest. Rather than finding new experiences which intrigue them, they are more likely to find unsafe outlets.
There is always conflict between letting them run wild and being uninhibited and trying to enforce obedience. Both schools of thought vacillate between being sure they are right and having to eat humble pie.
Balance, honest communication and respect for everyone’s opinion will go far. Get to know their plans, their friends and their friends’ parents. If ideas, interests and logistics start matching up between your kids and theirs you are more likely to stay abreast of what is being dreamt up. That way if you are troubled by the ideas and behaviour of your teen’s friends there is time to nip it in the bud or collaborate with other parents to work out a compromise.
Networking with other parents can help a problem individual. The child who does not always mix well may slope off and seek solace in booze drugs, sex, gangs or comfort eating. Keeping as many doors as possible open can reveal when someone needs extra assistance with growing up.
Everything is magnified emotionally at that age, or have you forgotten that? A zit on the nose is a big deal if there party is tonight. This is not simply spoilt brat stuff. Rejection from someone you had a crush on is devastating. They don’t know the feeling will pass because they simply have not lived long enough yet.
All these summer experiences help form who they are are going to be. I realise that offering counselling or opinions on kids is really swimming with sharks and many of you will disagree, but there are some tried and tested views that have had much success.
The most common issues between parents and teens are really power struggles and arise through lack of empathy, usually because parents are so busy. These conflicts rarely solve problems and just leave everyone exhausted.
Here are five ways to help move from conflict to co-operation.
1. Connect.
Connection is everything. Once a stand-off is established it can be hard to break and demoralising. It is easy to have a rapport when you like your teen, but they can be difficult to like sometimes. Focus on something about your son or daughter that appeals to you, like a bright smile, a talent or positive aspect and notice when you feel in accord with them.
2. Listen.
Before you can be a good listener, you need to be willing to get more information. Listen without being attached to your own point of view. Be open and less defensive. Try to listen consciously and without interrupting. Give credit for intellect and opinion and identify feelings. Resist the impulse to be dismissive or judgmental, even if you do know better. They are discovering life so unsolicited advice may not be readily adopted. Show an interest.
3. Empathise.
So many arguments and screaming matches could be side-stepped if you took a moment to step into their shoes to learn how they see their situation, then empathise immediately. They need to be heard and feel validated. Focus on the words and feelings that are given and speak to them. Let your teen know you can feel their pain or joy. Experiencing empathy feels like receiving a hug. Without it we feel alone and empty. It enhances self-worth and builds trustworthy relationships.
4. Acknowledge.
Acknowledge your child’s thoughts, feelings or complaints. This does not mean you are agreeing with them, you are simply and effectively connecting with them, substantiating what you heard. Some of you will want to skip this step because your need to be right is so strong but kids need to feel heard so that they know it’s safe to talk to you. Empathy together with acknowledgment combines into a healing balm for a child in the pain of anger. Even out-of -control kids will begin to let go of their resistance.
5. Request.
When coaching teens to success, there is an emphasis on making requests versus demands. When you demand something you paint yourself into a corner. If a demand is declined, it can cause damage to the relationship. The biggest stumbling block relates to being controlled. Control leads to resentment and resistance – not co-operation.
Here is an example of a request that states your clear expectation: ‘I am asking that you don’t call your sister names or use put-downs. If you have comments that you think would help her, then please say it in a respectful and constructive way.’ They may laugh at the suggestion but you will have altered the mood and made them think differently. They might even surprise you.
Teens are more likely to respond if you make a respectful request. Have you really had good results through nagging?
If you find that that you resort to demanding things then you are probably letting your frustrations build up and are waiting too long to ask for what you want.
Remember, they will get drunk, they will take a questionable lift, stay out too late, drive too fast, try dope, embrace each other, have sex, worry you sick and make mistakes.
Looking back on our own journeys into adulthood many of us, glass in hand, indulge in a sense of glee and knowing mischief while we regale others with tales of our early escapades – what we got away with, who we dated and who the outrageous characters of our time were.
And what fun it was. I miss those times. For many of us the memories of the time of our lives are so precious.
• You can also contact Cliff at the
Life Clinic on 888456 or visit www.life-clinic.co.uk
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