How many conversations have you had when you felt that your partner wasn’t really listening? Counsellor Cliff Le Clercq has some advice to help couples get their messages across

‘IF only I could make him/her listen’ is a frequent war cry.

Most of the time the complaint concerns spouses and partners but there are co-workers, supervisors and bosses who just don’t seem to listen.

It is so frustrating and annoying and the cause of much stress and daily misery. If it is your partner, leaving it unchecked for too long leads to a state of unrequited connection. As time goes by this can slide into indifference and a depressingly flattening feeling that it may never change. Did you marry the wrong type of person? Are your chances of happiness over? Are you stuck in a rut?

Anger will erupt from time to time as you try to be heard, but if you are misunderstood yet again it will leave you feeling stupid and angry. Continued lack of success will be followed by a deep sense of futility and it will be off to hide in Mills and Boon, the telly, sweets or whatever it is that sounds like it offers self-improvement or a brief respite.

Maybe someone will take you away from it all, like the tales in magazines?
It really is hard to be unable to connect with the significant people in your life and it is precisely because they are significant that it is so important not to give up.

We need our partners to be emotionally ‘present’ at certain times and nothing else will do. Challenging, judgmental or sarcastic remarks won’t work and are an indication that you really don’t expect to be heard and have indeed given up.

Are you continually working around the fact that you won’t be heard?

A supervisor who was recently told that her staff felt she never listened was genuinely mortified by the failure to connect. Why hadn’t they said something, she asked.

The feedback from her group was that some had been scared because she was a bit abrupt and busy all the time. Others said they had tried and were ignored or their view dismissed.
She truly did not know how bad the situation was and the lack of complaint had allowed her to believe all was well and ignore the groundswell of discontent. It may also have suited her purpose at the time.

So often those who seem indifferent or are cocking a deaf ’un, as they say, are blissfully unaware of the discomfort they are causing. They sail along as though everything was hunky-dory and are disbelieving when properly challenged.

Some insights and suggestions that follow may help. Some are serious; others a little tongue in cheek.

Ladies, have you ever had an entire conversation with a man and known that he wasn’t really listening? You may get an odd ‘hmmnnn’ or ‘yeah’ out of him but suspect that when you are finished he has no idea what it was all about.

Woman: ‘Darling, what will we have for dinner?’
Man: ‘Yes, yes, I will in a minute.’

If when he gets home and asks how your day was and you reply that the washing machine has been leaking again, he will not congratulate you on your coping skills, rush back out and buy a new one as you would have hoped for.

You may conclude that he is an insensitive slob, but if a new machine is needed, then say so. Some of us don’t take the hint. A man’s brain is pragmatic.

Timing can also be important. He may not be receptive while the footie is on. Ask that you both sit and talk with full attention when a discussion is needed. The wait may be annoying but knowing you have his attention and concentration can clear up miscommunications and clear the way forward so that you are both heard and validated.

Sensitivity is a popular word these days but there is still a hangover in men from the old days. It is sissy to cry – emotions are women’s stuff. Hence comments like: ‘What do you mean, do I love you? I live here, don’t I?’ Again, there is some exaggeration here but the point is that when we are uncomfortable about our feelings being questioned about them leaves many men feeling inadequate.

It is a feeling we don’t do well with. After all, we are the tough mammoth slayers, so an eruption of anger often ensues when men feel emotionally cornered. Anger is the old domain of men.

We know we are allowed anger far more readily than tenderness. An uncle of mine used to say of women, ‘tell ’em nothing’, in case it was used against him or raised later.

Fortunately we are moving along and are becoming more emotionally articulate, but we still have a long way to go. Equally, women are allowing themselves more open expressions of anger.

Clearly, men and women are different at genetic levels, but there are also some real differences in methods of communication.

The average male is less verbal than his female counterpart. He is able to ‘tune out’ her words, which always causes a kerfuffle.

The verbal, sorting, detail-oriented side of the brain is left. The spatial, intuitive non-verbal side is the right. Women, unless intimidated, are usually far more verbal and get on well with gay men, who, notoriously, chatter away incessantly.

A woman speaks twice as many words and has done so by the age of two. Boys prefer physical, spatial activities.

So could it be that the beer-guzzling lazy TV-glued, sex-driven maniac in your life is more intuitive than you are?

In a way, yes. He senses a situation and acts intuitively – though his responses may be restricted.

He does not go through a long internal verbal process in choosing his path. He simply reacts. If you say something he doesn’t want to hear, he is more likely not to respond with a tuned-in discussion of the finer points but act spatially as he changes the channel or turns up the volume or goes to his shed.

He senses your words are not good for him and his intuitive response is to move away or, if he speaks, to mock you.

Ladies, however, will have long debates in their heads before making a decision or taking a particular course of action. Dissecting the many ramifications, possibilities and options and other such internal thinking and debating are left-brain activities.

How many women can truly accept that their man may never be able to communicate either by talking or listening to the same standard as a woman?

If a woman could accept such an inevitability she might galvanise herself to learn different approaches that would lead to better communication all round. Now, don’t rear up at this point, I am not putting the onus only on women here.

Here are three suggestions to follow which presume a mythical couple who want to communicate better and feel less lonely in their relationship. It is in a relationship where we are most alone if not heard properly.

1. Ladies, reduce the actual quantity of words. After a certain length of time he will tune you out, no matter what.
Gents, you must be more truthful about when you start switching off and why.

2. Ladies, please be careful about preciseness. An accusation that he never does his share, always pees on the seat or never takes out the rubbish, when he knows he took it out once three months ago may lead to his rejecting everything you say.
Gents, you must express how much you are affected by such generalised comments.

3. Ladies, to penetrate the wall that surrounds him, be gentle in your criticism. This man has a tarnished self-image. He is a Tarzan that has fewer teeth and hair than he used to, a former disco god whose belly now seems to get in the way of his fragile ego.
Gents, your princess needs to be heard. Pause, try to listen. Yes, it sounds a bit like an episode of Neighbours and the concepts may very well be from the planet Zog, but try to pay a little more genuine attention because it will pay you to do so.

There is quite a misconception that men do not want to hear. I think it is more accurate to say that they do not dare to feel.

There need not be any battle of the sexes. Simple, honest non-judgmental communication is, I believe, the way to go.

As enjoyable as it may be, don’t spend hours talking to your girlfriends about your relationship troubles or asking their advice – they are as badly off as you, especially if they are not in one. Seek a listening ear by all means but remember, as seen in Sex in the City, it fosters deep and better bonding between friends and shoes. It does nothing for your relationships with men. To avoid inadvertently pushing him away, I offer the following for consideration.

We are basically afraid to let others see who we are – intimacy can scare us. As mentioned, women process thoughts and feelings verbally as they are pouring out. It is a sort of download or downpour. Men get confused, lost and frustrated, and women feel they are spending a lot of time not being heard, and that is because they aren’t.

Psychologically, all those words and body language are a defence system against threats of pain and are habitually used from the moment you lay eyes on a partner. Before you even know them – before they even open their mouth – you behave as though you are in trouble or not good enough or about to be hurt.

If the chemistry is strong enough to survive the first few months, he will pretend to listen while you talk and apologise for misreading your signals, but as it gets more real all your defences that have kept you from connecting get stronger and you feel tension. He is now confused and scared as well and it ends in blame all round. Honesty is the key to being heard.

A one-time resident of this fair isle once said: ‘When a woman is talking to you, listen to what she says with her eyes.’ Victor Hugo.