From Mark Dawson.
THE recent debate about the proposed use of lie detectors for sex offenders in the UK has led me to wonder how lie detectors could be usefully deployed in Jersey, and I have formulated a plan which I think would prove very popular with the electorate.

Firstly, all speed guns would be confiscated from the honorary police. I think most of us would agree that they don’t achieve much – they only manage to trap ordinarily law-abiding citizens who happen to be doing a couple of miles over the limit.

Next, the honoraries would be issued with portable lie detectors. Their duties would then be to lurk around places where politicians are likely to gather – parish halls, lap-dancing clubs, places serving free lunches, etc. They would then subject the politicians to random lie detector tests. Any politician whose test proved positive would be whisked off immediately to the parish hall, where they would have to justify their existence to a panel made up of their constituents. Failure to prove their innocence would result in their being removed from office and having to do compulsory community service.

I feel that the average politician would think twice before coming out with the usual twaddle if he knew that old Pc Pretendy Plod was waiting around the corner ready to pounce with his lie-detecting apparatus. Just think of some of the Great Lies of the past which could have been avoided. Examples which spring to mind include:
l‘Nobody wants a low-cost airline’ – brilliant!

l‘We’ve done a survey and concluded that food isn’t much more expensive here than in the UK’ – absolute classic!
lAll the lies and contradictions that were trotted out over the Emeraude Ferries debacle, now too boring to mention.
l‘Add GST at the till? – that would be far too complicated! Let’s put it on individual items. It definitely won’t lead to unscrupulous rounding up’ – yes, right.

l‘We can’t understand how the cost of living has gone up so much over the past few months’ – you couldn’t make it up, really, could you? It’s generally accepted that in most countries, politicians are deft at the art of the terminological inexactitude.

However, I think you have to go a long way to find such breathtaking arrogance as we have here, where politicians hold in such complete and obvious contempt the people who put them in office in the first place. Now at election time, when we have various ugly mugs staring down at us from every lamp post, I think the lie detector scheme is worth a try. Everyone would benefit. The honoraries would gain a new respect in the eyes of the public, and politicians would learn a lesson in humility. Everyone’s a winner!
16 Samarès Avenue,
St Clement.