From Christopher Davey.
BEING anxious to send my usual Christmas greetings to all my friends on the Island and in the UK, but seriously concerned by the ease with which our hyper-politically correct world reacts these days, I decided it would be wise to employ my advocate to ensure that no one could be offended. This is what he/she came up with – and worth every penny, I hope you will agree. To render it comprehensible to ordinary mortals, I have interpolated punctuation.

‘Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all.

‘I would also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great – not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country – and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the party or parties wished.

‘By accepting this greeting, you do so on the following terms:

‘This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

‘Disclaimer: No trees or animals were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.’
La Robinette,
Rue du Crocquet,
St Brelade.