I’VE got to admit it, sometimes this column pretty much writes itself.

Give 53 States Members a whole week to play around, and it’s not that hard to put together 1,000 words at the end. This week’s column is brought to you in association with Senator Jim Perchard and Senator Stuart Syvret, Deputy Geoff Southern and the Strategic Plan, and George Lucas, who wrote the screenplay for Empire Strikes Back.

Let’s start from the top.

‘You are full of f****** s***, why don’t you go and top yourself, you bastard?’ If you were looking for a word to describe that kind of language, ‘parliamentary’ would not be it. Senator Perchard says he didn’t use those words in the States Chamber on Tuesday, but he admits that he swore at Senator Stuart Syvret during Question Time.

Leaving aside the fact that only a States Member can admit and deny something in the same breath, and the fact that one of the Senators is clearly not being entirely honest about what was said, the Health Minister has gone too far here.

Senator Perchard isn’t stupid, he’s not dishonest, and he’s not afraid to stand up for himself. But he went way, way over the mark when he delved into the bottom of his vocabulary in the States last week.

And it doesn’t matter that the two Senators don’t get on. Using that kind of language is not just, as Senator Perchard apparently thought, disrespectful to Senator Syvret, it’s disrespectful to every other politician in the States Chamber and to every one of the voters who put them there.

But the idea that Senator Syvret was so shocked and appalled by this behaviour is pretty funny, though.
The Senator has made a pretty good run of knowing exactly what he could get away with at any given time, and sticking to it. He clearly hasn’t any idea where the line is. After three and a half years in the States, you’d think that he would know better.

Sometimes we moan about what States Members get up to, sometimes we laugh, sometimes we bang our heads against the desk and scream, and other times you have to stand back and clap. And the object of our applause this week is Deputy Geoff Southern.

It wasn’t a great speech he made – for my money, he doesn’t give many, but there you go – or a well thought-through question, or a particularly timely proposition. What it was was an-honest-to-goodness blinding flash of political insight into the real priorities of the Council of Ministers. And you can’t argue with it. Not at all.

Check it out. Here follows a couple of words and phrases that you might hope to find in a sustainable Strategic Plan for the next five years, and how many times they were included in said Strategic Plan draft:
Economy – 41 mentions. Finances – eight mentions. Money – three mentions. Climate – two (one was ‘financial climate’). Climate change – none. Global warming – none. Peak oil – none. CO2 – none. Carbon – none.

I can’t claim the credit for finding this either, but it’s too good not to be published.

Compare and contrast, if you will, the signing of the Tax Information Exchange Agreement with the UK with this verbatim excerpt from the script of Empire Strikes Back.
(Note for Star Wars virgins: in this analogy, Chief Minister Terry Le Sueur is Lando Calrissian, Princess Leia and Han Solo are the finance industry – I know, but stay with me – and to round it off, Gordon Brown is Darth Vader, Alistair Darling is Boba Fett and the G20 is the Empire). Take it away, George Lucas…

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY – CORRIDOR – DAY. Leia walks between Han and Lando as Chewie follows a short distance behind. Long shafts of light pour across the corridor between tall, pure-white columns.

LANDO: So you see, since we’re a small operation, we don’t fall into the…uh…jurisdiction of the Empire.

LEIA: So you’re part of the mining guild, then?

LANDO: No, not actually. Our operation is small enough not to be noticed … which is advantageous for everybody since our customers are anxious to avoid attracting attention to themselves.
The group walks into another corridor and heads for a huge doorway at the far end.

HAN: Aren’t you afraid the Empire’s going to find out about this little operation and shut you down?

LANDO: That’s always been a danger looming like a shadow over everything we’ve built here. But things have developed that will ensure security. I’ve just made a deal that will keep the Empire out of here for ever.

INTERIOR: CLOUD CITY – DINING ROOM. The mighty doors to the dining room slide open and the group enters. At the far end of a huge banquet table sits Darth Vader. Standing at his side and slightly behind him is Boba Fett, the bounty hunter. Faster than the wink of an eye, Han draws his blaster and pops off a couple of shots directly at Vader. The Dark Lord quickly raises his hand, deflecting the bolts into one of the side walls, where they explode harmlessly. Just as quickly, Han’s weapon zips into Vader’s hand. The evil presence calmly places the gun on the table in front of him.

VADER: We would be honoured if you would join us.
Han gives Lando a mean look.

LANDO: I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. I’m sorry.

HAN: I’m sorry, too.