Dear Santa, I know it’s early, but I’m guessing you get a lot of post and I thought I’d get a request in early. You see Santa, I’ve got an unusual request for an early Christmas present.

I want the files, Santa – the dossiers the police kept on States Members. I want them so much, I can’t think about anything else. Seriously Santa, I must have them. I know, I know, there’s a process. There’s consultation, green papers, white papers, you make a list, check it twice, find out who’s naughty or nice.

But Santa, those files have top-secret confidential intelligence stuff in them! Imagine it! I’m not going to get into the whole intelligence / States Members punning area – but I will if you want me to.

Basically, they look like a lot of fun. The kind of fun I haven’t really had since you gave me that Millennium Falcon Star Wars toy when I was eight (thanks again for that, by the way).
And in case you’re not sure that the States Members deserve it, let me remind you: they are the ones who stuck 3% GST on all your Christmas presents. Thanks again for the Millennium Falcon
Ben Q (aged 31).

Not too much doubt about the maddest, baddest, craziest story of them all last week, was there? I’m going to write it out again because even typing the words is awesome: ‘Secret police dossiers on States Members’. Oh, you little beauty.

Eyeballs popped, jaws hit the ground – you’d almost think some of them have got something to hide, wouldn’t you? Aha. But that’s not the point, is it?

If, say, an Economic Development Minister had a shady business background, if a Home Affairs Minister in charge of the police was open to blackmail about something, if a minister had a history of involvement in far-right organisations, well, those could be very big problems.

But if every new States Member was told on day one that the police were going to put together a brief file, comprising publicly available information, any criminal records and anything relevant from police intelligence files, I doubt very much that there would be a problem at all.

But that’s not how it was done. And now there’s the added spice of former Chief Minister Frank Walker and suspended police chief Graham Power telling very, very different versions of how this all started, a proposal for a committee of inquiry, and no doubt more recollections to come.
This is going to get worse before it gets better folks – just the way we like it.

None of which is to say that there wasn’t a lot of love in the States Chamber last week. There was too much. The love centred on the mutual admiration society of Deputies Geoff Southern, Trevor Pitman and Daniel Wimberley, who all got a bit gooey-eyed about each other.

‘Deputy Southern suffers a lot of defeats, but he comes back and picks himself up,’ blurted a star-struck Deputy Pitman during the debate to rescind the law on postal voting applications.
Deputy Wimberley was not to be outdone: ‘A very well-researched proposition, enough to convince anyone. It is virtually impossible to not vote for his proposition.’

‘What a wonderful speech by the Deputy of St Mary,’ cooed Deputy Southern. Come on fellas, get a room. The irony is that the three aren’t the best speakers in the Chamber. They’re not even the most average speakers in the Chamber. To put it more simply, they would have trouble talking the proverbial chicken into crossing the road. Each to their own, I guess.

TWO weeks ago I broke a record: six online comments on the www.thisisjersey.com website responding to a column. Heh, heh, Hollywood here we come …

Having invoked so much ire, I thought I’d have another crack at the topic of ‘the establishment’, because I don’t think I quite nailed it last time. Here goes. By all means have a go at the ministers for their myopic approach to policy and their utter conviction that they hold an absolute monopoly on good ideas.

By all means say that their back-door approach to population policy warrants suspicion at the very least and looks like a systematic avoidance of a public debate at the very worst.

By all means say that the ‘safe pair of hands’ rhetoric looks like a sick joke against the background of the ‘Eurogate’ cock-up, the great big car park where the Millennium Town Park really ought to have been for nine years, and the total absence of any-kind-of-anything-at-all on the site of the old Fort Regent swimming pool after four years. But don’t just moan about ‘the establishment’.

There are plenty of legitimate reasons to have serious doubts about the Council of Ministers. There’s no need to cut it down to a single word.

Who has done the most to reduce States spending this year? Me, that’s who. Publishing details of departmental expenses and claims by chief officers is, I humbly suggest, going to reduce future claims. Don’t thank me – thank the Code of Practice on Public Access to Official Information.

Finally, I just can’t let this go: Assistant Education Minister Ann Dupré missed the start of Tuesday’s States sitting because she was opening an international bowls competition.
Fair enough, right? No. The States had, I kid you not, a vote on whether to mark her as ‘absent’ or ‘excused’ for the morning session. It gets better. Two States Members abstained from the vote. Unbelievable.