From Ben Jordan.
I AM writing in defence of the loud blowing horn known as the vuvuzela and found in the hands of football fans everywhere.

Although it has been vilified by critics and the international press, it’s pronounced, large trumpeting sound has come to characterise the 2010 World Cup. It has been the fanfare of the festivities and it is a rallying cry to supporters of every nationality.

The vuvuzela has been a staple of South African football matches since time immemorial. It has contributed to the pageantry of stadium events and captured the boundless energy and exuberance of the fans. What better way to reflect your love of the beautiful game after all than to sound out a resounding sonic blast?

That is the argument for the defence. However, before resting my case I feel that in order to write a balanced piece, I am duty bound to offer the opposing view.

The maximum decibel range for a vuvuzela is between 113 and 131 dBa. This is quite enough to deafen someone at close range. At a ‘safe’ distance, it is merely intensely irritating. Provide a gaggle of intoxicated football hooligans with a steady supply of lager and a noise-making instrument and they regress to some childlike state where the height of amusement is making as much din as is physically possible.

There are some parallels between this and giving disruptive Sunday school children percussive instruments to clatter together after an arduously long church service. Indeed, it has been argued that the irksome horns detract from the enjoyment of the game and affect the focus of the football players.

In the wake of the controversy, it has already been banned from all Wimbledon tennis tournaments and the Melbourne Cricket Ground. Its distinctive sound has been alternately described by commentators as resembling ‘a stampede of noisy elephants’ and ‘a goat on the way to slaughter’.

I also hear that Apple Mac users are now able to filter the sound from their TV speakers by downloading a vsuvuzela filter app.

However, before we begin to fantasise about seizing one of the offending instruments and beating our tormentors over the head with it, I do feel that we should embrace at least some of its uses. After all, given our nation’s disappointing performance so far in the World Cup, it may be that blowing on the horn acts as shock-therapy to relieve us of some of the frustration, rancour and blind rage we feel when deprived of victory.

I am against any wholesale ban on the use of these horns on the grounds that it will cause needless environmental waste. Indeed, after the world cup has finished, I would like to see a recycling initiative for the vuvuzelas instead of banishing them to our cupboards and drawers.

There are a number of different applications aside from football. In the field of pest extermination, blast out a deafening parp on the horn and watch as household vermin scurry in mortal fear. Ramp up the security of your home by hooking up your burglar alarm to one of the Vuvuzelas to alert your neighbours, and neighbouring villages, of the present danger. Why not go snorkelling with your Vuvuzela?

It may prove useful when diving in shallow depths. It may one day face extinction, fated to join the ranks of passing fads like the ‘tango slapper’, the worthy ‘pog’, the lamentable ‘tamagotchi’. So keep your Vuvuzela as your constant companion, the item you can’t leave the home without. I entreat you dear readers, to save the Vuvuzela.