A HOLIDAY taken in Australia a few years back, coincided with a nationwide tour by the then headlining rock band, Oasis.

The much heralded arrival of Liam Gallagher and his brother, Noel, after a long-haul flight made the headlines for the wrong. The factious and hard-drinking pair had obviously not enjoyed the journey and looked somewhat dishevelled, even by their standards, when the aircraft touched down in Western Australia.

It was not their untidy appearance, but the style of attire that attracted the media waiting in arrivals. The brothers may have thought they were the epitome of ‘Cool Britannia’ but the hoodies and Parkas they sported proved to be a major fashion faux pas – even in a nation renowned for its laid back and casual approach to life. The subsequent coverage went on to ridicule the Mancunians’ curious dress sense.
It just goes to prove that what some consider stylish can turn heads – but for all the wrong and unintended reasons.

No doubt the scantily-clad fillies who frequent classic race meetings such as Ascot think they look the bee’s knees, whereas the ridiculous outfits they parade in, coupled with orange complexions, bleached hair and panda-effect eye make-up, make them look cheap.

It was the recent visit of relatives from up north – and I don’t mean Guernsey – that highlighted the cult of materialism and the facile past times of posturing and posing on this little rock.

As they went about sightseeing, my cousin and her fiancé commented on the inordinate number of ‘fashion statement’ ‘Chelsea tractors’ that ply the highway and byways of our not so sceptred isle.

Were they impressed? Far from it, as these opulent expressions of wealth are the mode of transport, in particular black or white ones with darkened windows, that are the choice of the drug dealing fraternity in inner city Yorkshire. It puts a whole new interpretation on what visitors must think when they encounter the public and private schools convoys.
Jersey must have the highest ownership of four by fours anywhere on the planet with the exception of the London Borough of Kensington and Chelsea. These expensive motoring monstrosities are now so commonplace they far outnumber the reasonably priced hatchbacks far better suited for Island roads.
Just what is it about Chelsea tractors that make such vehicles the ‘must have’ form of transport among the Island’s affluent class, especially as they are the butt of so many jokes the world over? As long as it is big, preferably black and shiny – and that includes the windows – if you have the cash you simply must have one.

What do these people have to hide that warrants heavily tinted windows? Is their passenger someone hiding in Jersey under the witness protection scheme who lives every second in fear of retribution? Or one of the several Mrs Bin Ladens on the run from the Navy Seals?

Nothing quite as sinister. It’s more likely to be the 2.4 children on their way to school, so why the need to protect them from the public gaze in a similar way as the late Michael Jackson did with his children?

Fortunately, it appears that common sense has escaped the high security facility under Squirrel Le Marquand House where the States keep it firmly under lock and key. At last one of the ‘top secret’ club of motorists has been brought to book for turning his vehicle into a motorised equivalent of a burka.

Alas, the law only prohibits excessive tinting of windscreens and front windows, not those in the rear.

What a shame we cannot lead by example again. Having banned bull bars on four by fours – which makes it nigh on impossible for parents to avoid the herds of wildebeest that traverse Bagatelle Road most mornings in the migrating season – why not do the same in regards to tinted windows?

Is Jersey really such an intrusive or dangerous environment to warrant this excessive degree of privacy? I think not. Moreover, if those hiding behind darkened windows are under the impression they look cool, like the Gallagher brothers they should take a long hard look at themselves and where they live.
No doubt we can expect a further explosion in the population of preposterous cars now the Coterie of Ministers has decided to import millionaires.

Not just any old millionaires, but those who will commit to putting their entrepreneurial skills and a wad of cash into a meaningful purpose by starting up businesses to create jobs for the locals as a welcome boost for the economy.
While that sounds OK on paper, when those in whom we entrust our futures come up with such ‘good’ ideas, is any thought given to the wider and long-term consequences for Island life?

If people make a conscious choice to move here because they truly like the place, its customs and culture and want to play a meaningful part in community life, then let’s welcome them with open arms. The problem we face, as an international finance centre where the dominant industry attracts people on the selfish promise of monetary gain, is that we risk people coming here for the wrong reasons.

This Island is in great danger of selling down the river what is best about Jersey and its traditional way of life for a few more dollars, roupees or yuans.
As with the choice of a Chelsea tractor over a reasonably priced car, is it a price we can afford to pay?